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Is Red Tape at Funland

thebritsandwhywelovethemWe were told at gate that we’d have to report to Comrade Commissar Vankr in order to get our papers stamped before the magical mystery could begin.

In order to do this we had to speak to one of the world-famous BlackCoats. Many of Belarus’ most famous light entertainers started as BlackCoats. They are renowned for their friendly banter, good humouring and being always willing to help.

Pretty soon we came across Ivan, one of the senior Funland BlackCoats. We asked him where we could find the Comrade Vankr so that we could get our papers stamped and start adventure. He kindly informed us that we had to go through three day induction course before we would be allowed to see Comrade Vankr. I pointed out that we were only at Funland for six days but he showed me error of my ways by punching me very hard in face. Once Svetlana had stemmed bloodflow Ivan explained my error in simple terms so that I should not be making such mistake again during our stay.

It turned out that I had not read guide properly at all and as such would be facing a “fucking serious” term of penal servitude once holiday was over. How embarrassed I felt.

He also informed us that Elena, our 15 year old daughter, had honour of spending induction time in his cabin learning about BlackCoat hospitality and how to be entertaining many, many men at once. I almost burst with fatherly pride. My sweet Elena being trained by real BlackCoat.


Is Welcome to Funland!

fun21Hello and thank for taking time be reading blog. My name Dmitri and I come from small town in East Belarus. My wife she is name Svetlana and we having only six children. Our eldest, Elena, has just turned fifteen and is being pride and joy. Also is grandma who is always barrel of the laughs with her practical jokes and involuntary farting. Grandpa is sadly missed since accident during submarine spotting in Baltic. We are all good farming stock and work on collective farm on outskirts of Minsk. State provides accommodation or ‘shanty peasant town’ as politburo call. Food has been scarce of late due to laziness of peasant farmers and nothing to do with Party members always taking best crops and prettiest daughters.

Recently were awarded Family Funtime tokens so could go on family adventure that is ‘Funland’! Here is story of that adventure so you can join in with excitation that is Prypyat Funland as if were here in self! Is first day at State-provided famous family fun park ‘Funland’. Previously known as Chernobyl – like how Windscale in UK became Sellafield not long after ‘fire’ in 1957. And yet Western lackies chose to describe tiny, insignificant overheat in Reactor No.4 at Chernobyl as ‘World’s Worst Nuclear Disaster’. Such western hypocrisy. Anyway who wouldn’t be excited to finally approach those magical entrance gates. I noticed my youngest Irina was shaking and had tears in eyes. I thought was excitement at seeing gates but Svetlana explained was beriberi and megaloblastic anaemia brought on by prolonged periods of malnutrition and exposure to biologically-contaminated fields during enforced seasonal work for State last summer. How I laughed.

Expectation was always high after paying our deposit in 1997. Adventure awaits! We could hardly contain ourselves. We were able to book holiday thanks to bumper potato harvest that year. Although we lost three children through exhaustion this gave us thanks of politburo so it was all worthwhile in end – and look at us now! We’re here at Family Funland!

To the Bridge!


Well children today we are going on journey to see some of famous bridges around Funland and especially the world-renowned ‘Bridge of A Thousand Tears’. It is exciting to believe that we are still here at Funland Family Resort. I am sure seasons have changed while here! In fact Svetlana said, very, very quietly, that she heard Vlad the Inhaler saying to other Blackcoat that he was looking forward to spending Christmas with his wife’s family now she is dead. I don’t know about that but it has been cold in the communal dormitory or shed. The rats have gone. Still you don’t want to hear such fiffle faffle when there is news of our epic journey around the bridges of pathogen county! We set off after breakfast of Chef’s Choice gruel – or attack dog vomit as Ivan calls it. It does have a certain consistency and it does slide down easily which is good for Svetlana and me having had our teeth kicked in several times by those crazy, crazy Blackcoats! We were prepared for a long trek as the bridges are quite a ways apart but the journey would be filled with culture and architecture and of course fun! Grandma could not come on account of still being crushed to death and shot. Of course Boris would not be coming as the table leg I had grafted on after his ‘Dive of Death’ had developed dry rot and would need to be replaced so I told children to be on lookout for fallen branches.

Of course was only one bridge I was really interested in! The quite well known and not architecturally unpleasant ‘Bridge of chairlift_of_churlishnessBemusement’. This was furthest and least accessible of Bridges of Funland. To get to bridge we would have to take Chairlift of Churlishness. Upon arrival to chairlift we quickly realised that it might be in need of some reparation and that perhaps maintenance staff or ‘Browncoats’ had not had time to keep up service or safety schedule, what with their hectic schedule of torture and summary execution. Those gas chambers won’t maintain themselves you know! Svetlana and I took one seat and the children another. It would soon be time to see for ourselves the universally unrecognised ‘Bridge of Bemusement’! I for one could hardly contain myself and felt bead of sweat on forehead. This later turned out to be seepage of follicle matter due to weather. And radiation poisoning. And hair loss. Still this was not time to dwell on the minor ailments! This was Funland and here we were on yet another adventure! I sat with Svetlana trying to engage in conversation but the constant weeping didn’t help. Even when I stoppedbridge_of_bemusement crying she still would not talk. I looked about at the amazing vista that is Funland. We had been there for perhaps two and half hours when realised that maybe would be better walking to ‘Bridge of Bemusement’. It was quite long way and mostly up steep banks and gravel heaps so I asked if Svetlana would be ok carrying our youngest on back but she said maybe would be better if I ‘fucked off and died’ so I left her on chairlift and took Elena to see wonderful ‘Bridge of Bemusment’! Eventually we came to vantage point where could see bridge. Sadly bridge was, as Elena said ‘still fucking miles away’ and we could not get any nearer due to fact was sheer climb to beginning of bridge and then bridge didn’t go anywhere.

Elena turned and looked at me in bemusement.

Is Visit

room_serviceAfter all excitement of Pleasuredome was time for the staying in and that meant visitors! Today we would be meeting some of our neighbours here in Funland. This was very exciting to me as I had been feeling slightly lonely since Svetlana was sent to clinic to look at why so much seepage and not keeping down of the food. Even baby food. Said she would be in Room 101 so good to know is in private room not mixed ward. We all love sharing accommodations with our comrades but sometimes when sick is better to be alone! Blackcoat Igor laughed when I said this to him. Well actually now I think about it he didn’t laugh when I said this to him, he hit me very hard in throat with truncheon before kicking me in groin for ten minutes. It was while doing this that he was laughing. Oh those Blackcoats!

Anyway I digress! Punishment for digression here is ‘fucking serious beating’ from Blackcoats so neednadiya watch step isn’t it? So yes, today visitation day and shall be meeting other Funland revellers including some that have been here for much longer than us, working on reparations of Reactor No.4 that did not have meltdown and is not dangerous. It is every Funland resident’s duty to entertain neighbourly comrades once every week which means we only have to cook for selves once every week. Also because is no food six days of week.

Today we had twins Nadiya and Petrov who don’t say lot. Actually can only point and whistle and like to stay in dark under dog blanket. As well as twins there was Oleska and his younger sister Vira. Unfortunately Vira spent too long playing in sand pit next to Reactor No.4 (I say sand pit, is mound of toxic ash) and now has over-size head. Oleska not brightest spark in box of fireworks either and he only knows three words and two of those are ‘da’ and ‘nyet’.

fun2Also here was Maksym who used to live near Reactor No.4 in comrade workers’ cottages. His mother and father had spent many years working in Reactor No.4 before Maksym was born. He loves football but has no arms and so kicks beach ball in communal dining room.

He seemed happy enough but we all knew he would not make his tenth birthday. His mother always made the joke ‘at least we have no worries about self abuse with this one!’ How we laughed. Indeed masturbation was punishable by ‘serious’ kicking by Blackcoats at which point self abuse just becomes abuse. Similarly self harm merely resulted in Blackcoat harm so State cleverly ensured that our Goth population was kept to a minimum. There is nothing more depressing than a Goth on the bumper cars.

Also was Uncle Krylo but more about him another time…..

Is Wheel of Defiance

fun18Well here we are at Funland’s famous Pleasuredome and today we go on crazy rides! I go on ‘Wheel of Defiance’ with Irina and Boris and sat in yellow cage waiting for big wheel to turn giving unrivalled view of Reactor No.4 that did not have meltdown, simply overheat dealt with swiftly and successfully by our comrade engineers. Sat for long time but ‘Wheel of Defiance’ remains still. I noticed lot of rust and nobody else around so maybe was maintenance day. Maybe I try later.

vistaOk so onto Vista Bench of Fate’ where can watch all comings and goings of fairground Pleasuredome! Svetlana said she stay on bench rest of day due to fact could not walk without vomiting and seepage unsightly from ear. After hour or so noticed no comings and goings and in fact was no noise in Pleasuredome. Maybe was banking holiday or some day where those crazy fairground folk had religious festival! Or maybe is because fairground folk gypsies and Blackcoats interned them in ‘social engineering complex’ or concentration death camp as I once overheard Blackcoat Ivan describe it. Those crazy Blackcoats.

diveofdeathDecided was time to see other rides and went to see ‘Dive of Death’. I teased Boris he could not having guts to take plunge from ‘Dive of Death’ but he was not listening as table leg had become untied and he had falling over. I nailed table leg back to thigh and leg seemed even shorter than before but just meant Boris could taking stairs sideways like goat of mountain. He limped up steps to top board of ‘Dive of Death’ ready to show he is man.

I scraped Boris from side of pool and time he gained consciousness had stemmed most of bleeding. Replacement leg came off mid-flight and ended up near to ‘Bumper Cars of Deception’ so would be getting this back when go for crazy bumper car adventure!

Next stop was ‘Hall of Mirrors’. Much hilarity ensued! I looked so thin and unhealthy and Irina looked more like 77 year old than 7 year old! Svetlana had tears rolling down cheeks as caught sight of self in one of crazy mirrors and saw reflection with clumps of hair missing and lack of teeth. I explained was optical illusion but then Svetlana turned, pressed her face almost against mine, looked me straight in eye and screamed for what seems like minutes before falling to floor racked with sobs. Was not trick mirrors at all, was not even Hall of Mirrors. Was public bathroom and normal mirror and we really did look like this! How I laughed! Later we go Carousel Of Crazy & Bumper Cars of Deception. Before this went see Den of Disappointment but was not all cracked up to be.

bumpercarsofdeceptionAt Bumper Cars of Deception I took Irina and Boris for ride of lives! Soon would be laughing and screaming as bash into other revellers! I remember as child, grandfather made pedal bumper cars for my brother and me when we were twenty eight. Such fun we had bashing into each other on collective farm. I say made, was two pallets with sheep bones for wheels and cow head for steering wheel but you had to be using imagination those days! Anyway we sat excited in big yellow bumper car waiting for others to fill up before siren goes to start fun (or to warn of meltdown at Reactor No.4). We sat in bumper car for two hours but nobody else came and was no siren. In fact was nothing except wind blowing and stray dog running past with pensioner’s leg in mouth. Irina wanted toilet. Maybe no bumper cars this day. Actually was nothing this day just dust cloud and solitude. Still! Is Funland and many more delights to explore before holiday over! How I love Funland! Now, where is Svetlana?

Next time: Is Visit

Is Fairground Attraction

Hello boys and girls well today is big day as is Pleasuredome time.

Svetlana is looking like famous actress from new series on State TV, Wurzel Gummidge, I think is Aunt Sally. Cheeks red and bright but this might be bruising from where Blackcoat Vlad was slapping very hard in face for three hours.

Boris seems unhappy but this might be leg situation as could not get back on after attack dog incident so used broken table leg and brown string but still has limp. Is also smell where fleshy stump and is seepage but if take hospital Blackcoats will put down. Will be ok.

fun24Anyway enough of this! We go Pleasuredome where is plenty fairground attraction just like crazy boy girl pop folk ensemble from 80s. Is ‘wheel of defiance’, ‘vista bench of fate’, ‘dive of death’ and ‘bullet to back of head’ to name but few!

Elena had gone on ahead with Blackcoat Ivan for training on ‘Carousel of Craziness’ and would see us there. Irina still had rash but stench had subsided and still no sign of grandma. Within three hours forced march had arrived at Pleasuredome area and what sight to behold! I had never seen so much potential for fun and pleasure. What aptly named part of Funland. Could be most exciting place in whole of Motherland! I noticed Svetlana was trembling with what I though was excitement but then turned out to be due to dehydration and loss of blood.

Later tell you about out rides on famous fairground attractions but for now go enjoy delights of Pleasuredome – if can stop bleeding!


Is Pleasuredome

This morning woke with start as Reactor No.5 had what some people call ‘meltdown’ but here is called ‘slight overheat’. Once flames extinguished was spectacular view of glowing dust cloud over Pleasuredome. This is where we were headed for day of fun, fun and more fun. After all, Pleasuredome is what put fun into Funland! bedroom2I woke children first as Svetlana still had some blood from corner of mouth and wanted stay in bed little longer. At least till shivering stopped. Irina seemed excited because was shaking but then that might have been due to rash. Boris was coughing and had blood in pyjamas but I assumed just had bloody nose in night. Elena said was not coming. Well, actually held knife to throat saying would kill self if did not take home. Teenagers! Eventually I managed to rouse Svetlana from slumber and once had put on home-made wig, was ready (clever sausage had made wig from hair fallout from children). We had not seen grandma since last week’s fire and gunshots.

I won’t bore with details of journey but was stressful as Boris made mistake of carrying dead mouse in pocket ‘for snack later’ whilst walking past Blackcoats’ attack dogs. Whilst cleaning up mess I noticed Boris’ lower leg was quite bruised. It was also no longer attached to his upper leg. It was also being gnawed by Borsch the lead attack dog. Time I got it back it was about three inches shorter and not as fleshy as it once was. I put in rucksack for to fix later.

Well I appear to have used my quota of words for day so will sign off and tell you about our day in Pleasuredome tomorrow!

Is Day at Beach Part 3

I went and sat on one of special benches provided by Blackcoats on sand. Looking back I could see Svetlana and children huddled up in corner staring blankly at me. I don’t understand sometimes – this was meant to be holiday of lifetime and all Svetlana could do was worry about hair falling out and what Hans was doing in children’s room and why he insisted door locked and why children had those rashes.

2783879789_c0e7241458Sometimes have to think outside of box and appreciate wonderful things provided by State such as Funland and all fun we were going to have when go to Funland Pleasuredome. Yes my friends, as special surprise am taking family to Pleasuredome area where is many scary and crazy rides! I hope that after evening work detail Svetlana would cheer up otherwise shall have to be reporting her to Blackcoats.

Eventually Irina returned with tears of joy in eyes. It was joy am sure. I think ‘uncle’ Vlad had been very busy showing her lots of things that would serve her well in future and especially if we needed life saving skills next week after so much excitement at Funland Pleasuredome! Irina didn’t say much but kept scratching and had bit of limp. Also complained about being made to ‘rub sea slug till it spat in face’ and playing games like ‘milk cow blindfolded’. She also mentioned ‘uncle’ Vlad had insisted Irina to sit on knee as were no chairs in hut. Irina said was uncomfortable and hurt her bottom on inside. Also said had bad taste in mouth and had sticky-up hair. Honestly. Things they say! How I laughed.

Is Day at Beach Part 2

As you can see beauty and wildlife is all around here at Funland Golden Mile. Later on, once we’d stitched up Marina’s arm (she was silly little girl and tried to stroke black dog doing toilet) we decided to explore this amazing cache of fauna and flora.

dirty_on_beach_1People often say to me ‘Get out of way’. Here in Funland though there is no such banter as all peoples are having good time with barbecues and parties and much of drinking and having good old fashioned Slavic fun. Sometimes I wonder how I can face collective farm after such delights.

Soon we came to sunbathing part of beach looking forward to topping up tans as being farmers our tans usually just face and hands. On beach were different rules and we would soon all have all over tan!

Suddenly Vladimir appeared. He was one of Funland’s famous Lifeguards and wore the famous uniform of white budgie smugglers, white socks and dark sandals.

These people demanded respect in Funland because being Lifeguard is no joke and is important job. In fact our lives depend on it. He demanded take Irina to his hut to teach her ways of Funland life-saving which would include ‘kiss of life’ and ‘sea snake charming’.

Obviously we were very proud to see our little girl walking off with her new ‘uncle’ Vladimir!

After a while Svetlana started crying again but as always lately, there were no tears just shaking of shoulders and dry sobbing noise. I asked her what is wrong but she just rolled over and lay face down in sand muttering something I could not understand but sounded bit like ‘I wish I was red’. Maybe talking about sun tans! Sometimes I despair, some people never happy.

We used to be happy. I am sure we used to be happy. I remember day we met, it was harvest time for potato crop and Svetlana would have been just thirteen! She’d just had her ‘coming of age’ ceremony with Politburo local committee and dress was torn and hair in mess but I loved her on sight. Unfortunately I was in ‘whole load of shit’ for poor harvest. Tried to explain about potato blight but was difficult to explain as they had smashed out the teeth. I was destined to see Svetlana again though; that’s a story for another day campers!

Is Day at Beach Part 1

Uncle HansWell what can I say? First we have day by pool and today we are going to beach. Children quiet this morning, I expect because of all excitement and maybe due to Hans having another crazy sleepover last night. He really is sole of party with his vodka drinking and crazy train game with children. I don’t see game only hear squeals from room and know they are having whale of time with ‘uncle’ Hans!

Pretty soon we’d eaten breakfast and were ready for day’s walking to Funland’s famous ‘Golden Mile’. Unspoilt sandy beaches with clear blue seas lapping shore. We could be on island paradise and might even be seeing Robinson Crusoe or his Man Friday today! Palm trees, sun bathing and sand castles would be order of day and no mistake. I think I am being more excited than children!

After couple of hours walking and after we’d refitted granny’s leg we were at point where we thought we could hear sound of sea! However as Elena pointed out in bad-tempered way, sound was just ‘Reactor Number Two’ being fired up for testing of cooling rods. Since spending time with Ivan and other Blackcoats Elena has been very quiet and sulky but she knows lot more about Reactors.Dunes of Despair

Pretty soon we are near to actual real beach and came across famous ‘Dunes of Despair’! I turned to Igor my youngest but he was still crying silently. I looked to see where my eldest boy Boris was and imagine my surprise when I saw him struggling in one of Funland’s famous sandstorms! How I laughed!

Soon enough we were well on our way to beach and I was so excited about seeing sea for first time in life and sharing experience with Svetlana (who could not keep any solids down and had to eat only baby food. To demonstrate beauty of Funland’s Golden Mile I take photos to show you as they say picture can paint one thousand words and words cannot describe what I felt! See! Now you are as if is here yes?